Thursday, December 31, 2009

Titles

I am done with school. Learning, no. School, yes. For now at least.

There was so much I could have written, so much I would like to write. One thing, however, that rises above all other things is my continual titling of moments. I seem to condense periods in time, a few hours, half a day, or a day, into a title in my head. Sometimes even just moments. It is like I am making chapters out of life, literally... although it all remains in my head.

So, here are some of the strange glimpses into my world of titles.

Potatoes and Ugly Betty

Quiet Girls on Quiet Stools Always Doing Well

Tired of rubbing thumb and pointer: money has deep roots

Mommas of Suns and Moons

Norma´s Smile and the Blackberry moment

Laugh and Cry your way to Learning

The river bend

Mosquitos, Tortrix and the Rumbles of Change

Basura

MmmmHmmm and Chocobonanos

Change and Growing Pains

Men, Dance Floors and Kitchens

Relleno de la Vida

The Banana Girl


Some I am thinking back on moments, others, like The Banana Girl, were automatic titled moments, where I had an experience and then just saw a title and an article unfold underneath it...

Alas, now, with only a few hours before the new years eve party that will dunk last years ¨sick in paris party¨ I must go, no time now for all those stories. It is called Apocalypse Now... the benefit party for tonight... why wait until 2012? I guess in the mayan land, that is the best idea.

Friday is a day of rest and searching out books... Saturday is a day of travel.... and then SUN-WED i am a real guatemalan tourist... or rather a tourist in guatemala. Thursday morning I begin my day long travel back to the states.

How do you feel about that?

Honestly. OK.

I would like to stay. But part of me would stay too long... and I can not do that right now.

Instead I shall title all my moments, and one day come back for more chapters.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Aint got no grahm nor chocolate

I stood on a corner today between two sets of firecrackers. Not really hating the firecrackers, as I generally do, but more just marveling that I felt that I understood the sounds of a war zone. Nothing says ´Peace on Earth´ like a good dozen firecrackers.

Also! A great moment of the day to highlight... a tag on to the short Cristy in Marshamallow Land, or whatever I titled the other blog entry... well, I saw a small family walking down the street eating a bag of marshmallows. What did we do before these puffy little sugar blobs? I may not agree with the overconsumption of the mallow, nor its presence in every home during the season, but, you can not deny the hilariousness of a grown man chomping on a huge pink marshmallow on the city streets. Casual marshmallowing.

Tomorrow I will climb near, not to the top of, the second most active volcano in central america. Damn you Costa Rica and your more active volcano. You downgraded the coolness factor of my volcano. NOT. I´m climbing a freaking active volcano! Sweet!

And now, some flashcards and some sleep. I think the country may have run low on firecrackers, which is promising for sleep. I think the mallow supply still runs steady, luckily they are not as loud.

Wishing you all had a very merry day. (Don´t you just love the word merry?)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Cristy in the Land of Marshmallows

It´s late, 1:11 to be exact, on Christmas morning.

Cristy, as I am being called despite my continual repeating of my name as Christina (see how I am bending to fit the culture, normally I would not allow this) is not happy.

Cristy has been in the land of marshmallow eating guatemalans for 6 hours too much. A tired person can take only so much rapid language immersion into the unknown. A tired vegetarian can eat only so much meaty tamale and sliced white bread (why aren´t we eating the fresh garlic and parsely bread I made today, please, someone answer me) in one night. A tired person can only take so much. Well, this tired person didn´t make it all day without a tear.

I love my family, and my friends, but what I teared up over was a 50 50 tie between exhaustion and missing the idea of being understood and included. And why, people, why do you have to keep asking me if I am sad to not be at home when I have a big grin on my face? I´m not sad, but now that you mention it, maybe I should be. Also, please, if one more person asks me about my novio in the states, and if I miss him, I am going to pummel them with the marshmallows they so love. I don´t have a husband or a boyfriend, and 24 is not old to need to have one either.

Thankful, yes. I sure am. This blog, right now, is my outlet. And I feel plugged in, although, really, the energy is waning, and I need to find my bed. Nay, I need to find my underarmor and then my bed. And I shall wake up, for the first time in 24 years, not in Irondequoit New York for Christmas day.

And what am I doing on Christmas day besides celebratinig the birth of my namesake? Well maybe a little guatemalan rollerblading after I sign up for a volcano hike. Hey, if I have to sit through hours of being ignored and much confusion, but the reward is to sleep on the most active volcano in guatemala... then bring on the blah blah blah. And the mora pan I made. Bring that on too. But, maybe tomorrow.

Well, you. You did it. Merry Christmas, as I said to everyone in the one moment I pushed upon everyone for my american self. Feliz Navidad and Merry Christmas.

Peace and Marshmallows to you all.

A shared moment

today. Christmas Eve, which is christmas for guatemalans. even though it is a bit sad to not be with my family, nor friends in NY in the Christmas snow, I would like to give thanks for a specific moment.

sweet bread with blackberries in the warm sun on the roof of my school with the students and two teachers... volcano in the background.

I haven´t painted this well in words, I know... but I just felt the need to share this with the internet world.

It would have been nicer if you were there. and if there were hammocks. But, I´m not picky. Hahah.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

wow wow

wow wow is the sound a dog is said to make in spanish. I mean, do they really say woof woof? I haven´t seen many dogs recently... and I can contribute that to the great guatemalan pasttime, one of the few things I will not miss.

Firecrackers.

I mean really people. Come on.

Lets give all the children a huge strip of these things. Give them candles. We will see if they come back with all their fingers and some of their hearing. As if a the people carrying their children and clothing and tortillas to sell and something very heavy looking need one more obstacle in the street.

I am with the perros... duck and cover.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ode to the Continual Perish

An Ode

I believe a continual perish occurs
Each night, before I even have thoughts of sleep
A dog is born
Next door
Within the hour the dog lives out his life
And begins
What sounds like
A slow
torturous
death
While I try to lightly enter sleep
He loudly enters death
Or so it seems
He increases the volume
As I slip closer to dreaming
And then out of dreaming
To think these thoughts:
An ode
To the continual perish
of the next door phoenix of the dogs

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Back of my Neck and Cloud Dances

My hair is long for Christine Preddy. It falls down and hits the back of my neck. I am aware of its length daily. As I walk to class in the cool, sometime cold, mornings, it is slightly wet, and very clean... and it bounces against the back of my neck. How different than the Christine of so many years past. Change is constant.

On the hike this past weekend someone, Jen from Australia to be exact, asked me, as I come into 25 if I have learned new life lessons, or if I feel different. In the small amount of oxygen my body was struggling to pull from the thin air, I responded, ´yes, notably.´ I breathe more (especially on the mountain), I move slower in life, I take time for myself, I enjoy certain personal oddities that society might deem peculiar, I stress differently, I appreciate each day differently than years past and I notice that my hair hits the back of my neck. That is not all, of course, and she shared hers, but, when I feel the length of my hair, it reminds me of this ´notable´difference from the mountain discussion.

So, it is a bit late, and I am really tired, but I owe it to myself to write down what I did this weekend, because it may possibly be one of the coolest things I have done (besides make a gingerbread treehouse cake, hah).

Thursday I found out that the trip I wanted to go on on Saturday was cancelled. Lake Chicabal with Alberto. Not that I wanted to go on trips with Alberto, i definently get enough in class, but I was stoked for Chicabal. No one else wanted to go, so they cancelled it. Agua amiragas, bathing in hotsprings on Friday, also cancelled... only one registered, Christine Preddy. I was mad. Pissed at the school and myself for poor planning and timing. Dismayed to have to find my own amusement in Xela, I inquired into a trip I heard discussion of¨: Tajumulco.

Do not get me wrong. I can find my own entertainment, but, language is usually a big help. And I am not about to hop on a chicken bus by myself with my 22 words of spanish. So I went to Quetzeltrekkers. I highly recommend this organization, by the way... check them out. All the money they make, after food and bus expenses goes to run, entirely run, a school and a dormitory for street kids.

So. I ran my 50 Q (about 6 bucks) deposit to Quetzeltrekkers during my class break on Friday. Got lost. How very different. With my shitty language skill, but damn good pointing and shrugging skills, I made my way to the door. Gringo land. Nay, fit, hiking, outdoorsy gringo land.

After a gear meeting on Friday, and a few hours of sleep. I woke at 1, 2, and 3 am to meet Alberto, our taxi and yes, also my prof. Fearing that I would hike with the shits and crummies that had started friday night, i took some oregon grape tincture, a deep early morning breath and shoved my loaned backpack into his car.

I failed at a quick name game attempt while we awaited our next car. Honestly, shouldn´t we know eachother´s names¿¿ A pick up truck ride later (standing in the back, driving through the bumpy streets of Xela, I felt like a real Guate, except for I could not feel more like a gringo either) we arrived, still in the dark, at the scary chicken bus terminal in minerva. Burning trash... smell association to the great Lebanon.

Backpacks hoisted up to the top of the chicken bus (which are us or canadian school buses, painted many colors and with an added rack inside, and no ppl limits) they were strapped, fingers crossed by a guate who rode the top and sides of the bus for a large part of the rather intense trip. Spìder man, spider man.

Rice and beans and eggs at a resto at the next stop. Back on the bus. Oh boy. talk about packing em in. We were so tight, I felt i had made a goiter of my friend, journey, next to me. She clung to me, I clung to the seat, and we held, trying not to push the poor woman off the seat also.

Perhaps the greatest moment of the whole trip, well, maybe the third greatest moment (sunrise and sunset beating it out) was the moment a baby threw up on Kim on the bus. Nonchalantly, this 1 year old opens his mouth, throws up all down Kim´s arm, and then casually closes his mouth and continues to peer respectfully around. The reaction and the ridiculous that ensued, is `priceless. Granted Kim was about to jump out the window, from my point of view, hilarious.

At the drop off we started to hike. Let it be know, as it is known, that this begins the longest ongoing internal pep talk in the past few months. You can do it. One step at a time.

Did I fail to mention we were climbing the tallest point, a volcano, in central america?¿ yes. yup. Should have really thought that one through. Or maybe, it was best I didn´t. I did make it. To everything. Sunset and sunrise, and every rid iculously difficult step in between. And clouds, clouds that move and dance in such a provocative way, I wanted to fall into them and dance the rythm of the universe (seriously you would say something similar). And you´d maybe know how breathing above the clouds feels. Altitude sickness, I know thee well.

There is more description than I can give with my lowering eyelids right now. Lets just say, getting up out of a chair is an interesting experience now... but, the soreness is going away... and it was all worth it. It may have been, like I said, an unbeatable experience.

I have yet to catch up with my sleep (after a much needed shower I went to a bar to watch the big game, sorry Xela, you were so close)... so now, maybe is the time. I shall rise and again try to build my spanish knowledge foundation with some borrowed tenacity of the mayans, whose history astounds.

Peace to you all. Wherever you may be reading this. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

volcanos and such.

written dec 10, 2009

during my class today we went onto the roof and saw the volcano, santa maria. i learned that the stuff i am coughing on in the mornings on the way to class is volcanic ash, as well as the good ole car belches. bueno. muy interesante.

good times.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Kindergarden

To my online diary. First, the S key, doe not work well... see!

Hm. Well it is almost 6 on my first full day. I find myself laughing at myself sometimes, when I do not fully know what I get myself into. And then, I{m there, committed.

I like this. Im learning spanish and I will have enough spanish when I return to make choppy speech with people and understand choppily. Thats the goal, thats the plan, thats the course of action.

I woke early, with the question in my head, did I actually sleep? How many people were born on Monday the 7th of December, or is this many firecrackers normal?

Anyways, my day, was, as follows¨

my host mom put out a grey and banana gruel, as i am calling it. it was tasty, but weirdly gruel like. Coffee (which, I am not filled with negativity towards my family or this country) which tasted like lightly coffee flavored socks and two sweet crackers, which were super tasty in the sock coffee.

I got my prepacked backpack, and headed out the door in my pre layed out outfit. In the cool fog on a morning in the highlands, myself and enough car exhaust to knock out a cow (I´m not sure why I made that comparison) headed to school.

The first to arrive... like california, 8am doesn´t really mean 8am... it means 8:15. But, I wanted to be on time (unlike me). Anyways, I entered the school, got better coffee and tried to make friendss with the students who had been there longer than I. The students (an older quaker couple from Oregon) that were also new did not want to speak english that much (I don´t blame them) so they were off my list of friends to have outside school. I did however, proceed to realize that just south of them, in teh great sstate of California, a huge production of Xela bound people dwelled. It was my luck that they were bound for Xela the same time as me.

After the morning meetin and greetin I sat down to my first class. I felt like I was five... only minus those awesome fat crayons and the apple juice that I assocation with Mrs. Zanawick´s pm kindergarden class. My prof, Alberto, was cool. And I think that word describes our class and his chill demanor. I struggled with a desire for structure, for him to TEACH me in a sstructured, yet free and integrated and yes and creative way. No, Christine, you are learning a language, letter by letter and word by word without blocks, pictures and playdough (although I do have some).

Anyways, after class I went to lunch with my family. WOW meals can be akward when you really can´t respond or interact effectivly. Rice and peas and tortillas, and I was back out the door. I wandered the town for the first time, a description needed for a different time when my words, spanish or english have ripened a bit more into perfection for the colors, smells and sights (which, I must say... I have not given justice to those thing in Morocco, which are stronger and stranger than this). After not being able to find the suggested La Luna of Laura Reardon and every other visitor, I hurried back to school to watch the film Men with Guns in spanish.

The noise of the street made reading the subtitles my only option, but, honestly what with english being pretty forefront in my mind, I was coooool with that. It was a sad film, really sad... but interesting, telling and vivid. I left not really knowing how to feel or think about the story of a latin american country experiencing guerilla warfare and genocides and the discovery of a committed citizen doctor that all his students have been killed in the attempt to help. It was a lot, and I decided to leave the emotion in the room, and take the knowledge with me.

I started this entry and then headed home, in the dark... a warning I have been given repeatedly not to do... but, it seems I can´t heed them all. However, it was still early, and I know not to go out past 7 by myself... I´ve heard the stories from the students... enough to scare me into compliance.

A late dinner of a store bought tamales, yum, a bit of some movie I´ve seen in the states, but with terrible spanish dubbing, my forced ritual of my ´tile exercises´and i read myself to... yes... wow, a quiet sleep.

Day one of kindergarden. Success.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Yo no say.

I know that that is wrong. And I know that the ss key sticks. But I also know that I am writing on my blog from my host family´s computer, which is so great.

Wow three days of planes and buses later, and here I am. Xela, Guatemala.

It is due, really, to Laura and her time here. Inspiration and motivation. Something I have always wanted to do, but moved away from the reality of it when it seemed intimidating and impractical. Well, all impracticalities have been removed, and now to deal with the intimidation... can do!

Tomorrow I start the journey, well, I guess it has started, but tomorrow I start the ´tofu´of it all... school.

Things are sunny side up and Im going to do my best to keep it that way, overwhelming or not.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

poems

i seem to think in poems lately.


i never addressed the invitation
and all along, have wondered
would i have sent it out
after all that time
or would i have known better
and waited until
my heart found the right space
to slowly scribe the note
that never needed to be sent
and folded it away
satisfied that choices
about invitations
and addresses
had been made.

--

yesterday
i saw
a very neat bug.
I'll tell you all about it.
I wish you were there.
you'd have seen it too.

---

i've crossed over.
he says, pulling his hair away from his forehead
yeah? she asks
yeah, he replies
how do you know? she leans in a bit, adjusting her shirt.
well-- he chews his lip--
nothing needs to be the same anymore, he stops.
smiling, hands behind his head:
yeah, that's right.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Be Aware

I was walking across the field yesterday when I noticed a clothespin. I picked it up and read the fading blue writing: Be Aware.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Reasons

Do all things happen for a reason?

Are we meant to try to figure out the reasons? Or just live in the questioning? Or not question? Or just live?

Be thankful?

Yeah.

Be thankful.

To be alive. Regardless of money, of broken cars, and screwed up schedules, business, unfufillment... whatever ails you. Being alive. With others that are alive. These things are good.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Day Four Give Me More

Well, I missed the day three band wagon, of blogging that is.

Day Four.

Wow. Four days. Or really, three, and a morning.

And yet, while I've decided that today is my last day, I really do believe I could go longer. It's a battle I'm having right now, but one whose outcome is already decided. I know I will eat tomorrow, and maybe it's best, but this cleansing thing is awesome. In some ways. In other ways, like, my energy, it's not as great.

Today though, food does not seem palatable. I don't really want to eat anything. I can't think of anything that I feel would be as good as I imagine it should be. I don't really want any of it anymore. I'm not sure what I really want. Not just food wise, but in life. I feel pretty empty when I wake up, but in a good way. Like a solid person, who is just waking up. Basic. I didn't have any emotions (except my eye really hurts, no styes, please!), I just woke up and felt tired, but thought of nothing.

Maybe too much cleansing will cleanse the personality right out of me. Haha. Probably not, but its probably good for everyone around me, and myself, to be experiencing a slower, mellower version of myself.

Well, I'm off to make my 'tea.' Which, yesterday, I went without for about 3 or 4 hours, and was seriously famished. So, without the maple/lemon/cayenne, I don't think I could do this. However, I also don't think I'm going to try to test that theory. For now, this is great, its helping me set myself on the path. Clearing the path of some brush, and kicking me in the right direction.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Master: Day Two

Again, I have a whole morning to write and I leave it to three minutes before work. Good thing work is about 15 steps away from this computer.

Day Two. I feel fine. I feel good actually. I wouldn't say great, by any means, but good for sure. The salt water expulsion worked well this morning, almost too well. I'm impressed, as they said I would be, by what comes out of me when I haven't been eating. If I can make it to tomorrow, I'll be even more impressed. I really do think I can make it too, hunger hasn't been a real issue... it's more mental. I mean, I'm a big kid, no I'm a large adult... either way, there's a surplus of me, and, while I don't gorge on a daily basis, I do have food rituals, that I miss. I call them meals.

It's been fun to think about how things taste, but not need them really. Want them, sure, but not to the point where it's all I think about. 27 hours it's been. But, sleep has been in there, and, I've not had to do a lot. We'll see how the rest of today goes.

So far, The Master Cleanse gets two big thumbs up. So does Jessica's natural maple syrup. Mmm.

5:50pm: 36 hours in. Well. I'm hungry. I feel it in everything that I do. I mean two days without food is not that bad, and I haven't had to do too much either, so, even easier. In absence of reality of food, I have found that my writer-like-tendencies have kicked in FULL force. This is the narrative in my head (at times, not always...that'd be nuts...mmmm cashews):

Everything Bagel, toasted with cream cheese, fresh garden tomato and fresh bright green basil

Green Green Green salads. Fresh. Bursting with goat cheese, walnuts, raisins, or carrots, ginger, cooked tofu goooooooodness.

Lasagna. I don't even really love lasagna. But it was mentioned at soem point today, and so, it's in my head. Filled with veggies. Ooozes cheese, spinach, eat meeee.

Crisp tortilla chips (saw a bag today), with fresh salsa. Chunks of onion.

Ginger cookies. Soft. Chewy. Ginger cookies. I'd eat the gingerbread man's head off... and feel no guilt.

Squash bisque with hearty, crusty, delightful... watering mouth...... fresh baked bread.

Asparagus and goat cheese on a crusty bread....

Granola. Yogurt. Mmm.

Thai food. Coconut and curries and lovely lovelies.

Pie with ice cream. Warm pie with ice cream. Warm pie with cold ice cream. There we go. Oh, and whipped cream.

For some reason, in all these foods, all I keep coming back to is the basics. Like, while I know a cookie would be tasty, all I really really want is some good bread, good cheese, good veggies. I know bread and cheese are terrible for you, but in the scheme of foods I could want (donuts, chips, chocolate), I don't think its that bad. My body and mind seem to recoil at the idea of eating a donut, but I salavate as I think of grilled mushrooms. Did I mention a bagel, everything, in particular, BURSTING with tomatos? Did I mention that. Actually I don't think BURSTING was on there.

More and more, I feel a different kind of fatigue. I feel things in my body leaching out, but staying....lingering. I feel comatose at times, and filled with energy other times. Sparked and then dim, really dim. Angry and sad, and then fine fine fine. Then happy as I could be. It's a rollercoaster, really, only stable thing is maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne and water.... and me, i'm an element in the whole picture, unstable, but stable in my stance. And it feels good, just to be doing something difficult for myself. Feels pretty solid.

So, I'm off. To read for an hour, before I work again. It's great to have this work distraction...perfect amounts, not a lot of energy, just enough. Where I can ponder recipe concoctions, and dream... really, I think I can smell the onions cooking!... and then be snapped mostly back into reality.

Yup. This is good. Doing things for yourself is good.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Master Cleanse: DAY ONE

The idea of a cleanse makes so much sense. Spring cleaning for your insides. I think, when hunger pains strike, thats the only time it won't make sense.

4 hours in:
Let's be honest, it's only 4 hours. It feels like I forgot to eat breakfast. All I've done all day is type, so, really, are my fingers famished and weak? Nah. Still, it's exciting to not have given in. Which seems silly, but for me and food, we have a pretty needy relationship.

First real world test, I'm off to town to get a book from the library, and maybe do a bit of study in a coffee shop, is that a good idea? Hmmm... we'll see!! I miss coffee, but not as terribly as I thought I would. Coffee was the first to go, 11 days ago. WOW! I think I can do 15 days. Really, I think I could go forever, but, thats not what I want. I miss my morning coffee tradition. I like to sip and type, or sip and read or sip and crumble something sweet. Anyways, thats enough birdwalking on the topic of coffee (although, isn't a blog a giant birdwalk?).

I'll check back in, in a few hours. Really, I think 9pm tonight is going to be the hardest. And, when I have to go to work tomorrow, that also I can foresee as being tricky! Oh well, bring on the trickiness, I've got tricks!!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

You Coulda

Oh You Coulda

Coulda had something realllll good.
Something solidly good.
Classic good, punctuated with quirky good.
Fun, songs and games and laughter good
Yup, I live this life good.
Good so good it made smiles linger and eyes wrinkle,
Smells of campfires and swampy bogs
Hot winds and cool pond water
Unspoiled goods
Could have had it
Right now.
Allllll over this blog
But you fucked it up.
You broke your word
and you went behind my back
You judged me and pretended to care
Fuck that
You won't ruin me for others
I've got shields
And fake horses
And jousts
And more icons than the thrift store
You could have had that all too
Real good stuff
The kind that makes you dust off books
sip lemonade
and move slower
and laugh like a child
But you fucked it up.
I guess I'll see you later.
Don't worry
I don't play people
So.
I'll still have my goods.
My real good goods.
You coulda had it too.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

poems

Like the leaves in the wind

To push the momentum

of a force created by every

lost moment, then gathered

and stored away to ignite

A future need to recapture

something past

and harness this for

the momentum

that sets the leaves

in motion.



A moment blink

and all can be lost

a moment blink

and all refound

Of the most fragile elements we're given to

watch over in this great world

life is that



Random randomness

that makes you laugh

like a child caught in a fit

rolling on the floor

slappping knees

big fat tears

stop! stop! oh gosh stop!

Grab your stomach, lean in.

Pushed over

Caught in the wind.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A strange rant from my coughs

My cough took me to the ground. grounded me. placed me back on the earth. hands and knees, hacking and pushing and wishing up all deep within. It seems linked, at times. Certain thoughts or moments, I spasm and am hacking again. I know, physically my body is trying to expel phlegm that it is creating within my lungs... but, I want to allow thought on all things from different angles. Different realms? Maybe this would be better if I was more in a transition. Maybe if I was breaking up with a boyfriend of several years, or pulling myself out of a negative experience... maybe then I could see all this forceful purging of inner darkness (although, the phlegm is not dark, itself. But, that's jumping dimensions of thought back to mainstream).

My most intense coughing today started when a friend called. A good, healing, loving friend from a distance. I haven't even spoken to him yet, in fact, he's on the phone with another friend. However, even his voice, his connection with us has allowed my body to try harder. It's like encouragement, but, so so very very physical. So physical my abs hurt from all this unintentional encouragement.

dreamers talk. just coughing really. it's going around. I must say, of the past illness of the Nov-January realm, 'dis is nothin', babe!

practical talk. grapefruit seed extract, liquid form: 10-15 drops in water (very bitter)---bulk tinctures: echinacea and astragalus 1-2 oz, humbolt hack-a-way (usnea) alpine meadows botanicle 70% alcohol.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Photos

I'm so bad at timeliness. It's not a virture I embody. I definetely lack.

Well. Photo uploading-- now there's a beast that I rarely take time to tackle.

So. Here are the beginnings (because, hey, that's a start!).

http://community.webshots.com/user/loveyourdori

The Arrival of the Box

A package arrived in the mail today. Oh how glorious. The satisfying pop as you break the tape, the little breeze you make when you pull open the flaps. And there. Something. Anything. Excitement was already at it's peak, for me at least, the joy is in the opening. The expectation. Granted, it's many levels better when it's something you've been expecting, or something amazing you didn't expect! I love the anticipation. I love the moment just as the scissors hit the box, the moment of pulling up the first layer of packaging before the goodies inside. Those collective moments make me want to drink lemonade and slow down.

What does that say about me? Do I like plans more than reality? Possibilities more than actualities? Do I like to picture joy rather than experience it? Am I reading into this too much? Yes, probably, but I didn't think about this so much until just now. It's an amazing thing, writing, how it lays things before you to examine.

The box was very exciting. Even though I packed it myself, many months ago, it was more exciting than it would have been had it arrived, as scheduled, many months ago. But, in opening it, and handling the goods I felt necessary to ship myself, I also found myself questioning my mentality and revisiting the moments surrounding the packing of the box.

Sweaters, two... brown. Two brown sweaters. Is it ironic that when I opened the box I was also wearing a brown sweater? So I own three brown sweaters. Maybe I should throw a sweater party. Brown only-- rotating every hour (i'd be the only hardcore party goer I expect!). Also, a shirt that doesn't fit (ahhh hope), a shirt that didn't make the morocco cut (welcome back), a pair of pants that got much love when I was in the classrooms (why are you here?) and a black button up shirt (for my formal hike? Huh?). Baby pictures (yay!), Grandma jam (dare I say, double yay!), my external hard drive (now there's a metaphor... shipping my external memory to myself. Hah!) and a pair of socks (sweeeeet). Simple items. So much joy. Oh and tiny fake flowers for my scrapbook. ESSENTIAL. Hah!

So, should I tell myself that this is acceptable behavior? To mail myself my own items because I want to. Need? no no no, my friends, and I am very aware, it is a want for sure. For now, I accept this behavior and allow myself to indulge in what I want (not getting to crazy, keep that new laptop and camera and house in fiji at bay, christine, but you can splurge on the goat cheese). At some point, when I open a box I pack for myself and note that I packed two similar things, and am also wearing a similar article of clothing-- maybe then I will realize I need to keep myself in check.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Ordinary Meh

Meh. That's 50% of emotion right now. A part of me is ready to leap and run and go go go onto New York, back to the woods of south western New York, the sugar maples, beech trees, wide braken ferns, dappled sunlight, loud summer thunder storms. A part of me is just feeling pretty meh. Meh..... Not meh about New York, just meh about my life. I know it's just a passing meh, but this time, I'm looking at it, and letting it fill me. I'm letting it settle in certain parts of my body. Certain, very fleshy parts, are really feeling very meh.

Never want this blog to turn into a body-bitch-blab-and-boo hoo... but I must say a few things... every now and then. Met a woman who was a size 8, then size 22, and now resides at a 14, sometimes 12, occasional (if i really try) 10. Hm. I'm a realist in some ways, others, a total dreamer. It has served me well (really, honestly) to be a realist about my body. I'll flux between a few sizes, but, for the past 5 years, I've pretty much stayed between two sizes. The rollercoaster of emotion about the whole ordeal has also calmed to a steadier, more enjoyable pace. Punctuated, of course, with thrill rides-- some boo hoo and some wooo hooo! Anyways, I did not start writing to complain, or to moan, or to have some way to e-vent about this all, but instead, to realize two very simple body thoughts.

One. This body can change, and does, and will, and many times--- won't. And I love it. Love its changes, love that it is me and that I am it and we are a very odd couple... strutting about in a meant-for-eachother opposites-attract kind of way.

Two. I'm young. I'm not 30 yet. I've got a lot of life to live... and it will all occur in one place. This body of mine.

So, the choice to treat it well really is not a choice. The choice to be nice to it (verbally, mentally and physically) should be no choice, either.

I'm at a bumpier part of the ride right now... feeling pretty meh. Realizing the meh-ness subsides every inch I take closer to treating this kid better. This 20-something's body is directly attached to the meh-ness, and even in the times she feels meh, and the times she lets it sink into her, she's still got it, and it will always be there. Like it, love it, or hate it.

Ready to run and frolic my way to New York. Not exactly, but I've got the legs that have the potential to help me with those actions.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The first of the stories

So. About 4 days ago Morocco became a past event and I began my slow return to the western United States. Currently I am in Scottsdale, AZ at the house my lovely lovely friends Fernando and Kyle. But let us back up from here.

Lets go way back, before the 17 hours of plane travel, the few hours of metro, bus and car travel that brought me to where I am now. Before I went through 6, yes 6, security check points in Dublin, before I threw out, yes threw out, outfits, books, toiletries to appease RyanAir, before beer in Ireland...there was Morocco. And, as Fernando pointed out, still is Morocco ("people live there!").

Which story first? The dramatic break down of my poor health luck? The knight in shining suit from Fes? My Boston family in Fes? My Moroccan brother? My could-be-if-only-I-say-yes Moroccan husbandS? The cheese massage? The dreamy hammam? The night on the dunes of the sahara? Moustaffa the CD making camel guide who gives crappy hand massages? The mountain tagine to die for? The beautiful winds of the port-side Essaouria? Countless nos-noses and the a la menthe? Near death bus rides on the snowy, icy mountains? Oranges, the sweetest orangy-est oranges I have ever had? Karima, and all her infinite wisdom and friendship?

Well. Let's just start at the beginning. Let us start in the shadow and then we will move to the light. Sickness it is.

My first week and a half of traveling (CA, AZ, NC) found me to be 'happy, healthy and wealthy' (to quote a certain grandma of mine). As soon as my parents, Axis and I made our way to GA, things started to go down hill for me. I caught, what I thought, was a bit of a cold, which I was trying to down play so I didn't think I could get anyone else ill. Well. Back in NC all health broke down, and my parents and I, with different yet intense, illness fell to our respective sick beds. I pretended I had a cold, but spent each night unable to control my body temperature, and a chunk of each day blowing my nose and feeling nauseous.

Well. To NY. A nauseating plane ride (swooping over the lake to wait out heavy, snow-dense, winds) back left me thinking that this 'cold' was not going to go away. The cold turned into the flu, and fevers, headaches, dizziness, weakness, nausea, loss of appetite (the only symptom I enjoyed), and a general inability to feel in control of how I felt racked my for the whole week. Along with the flu--guilt and anger that my only time with my friends, and all I could focus on was me. Me. Sick. Ouch. Ugh. Gasp. Grrrr...Me.

A car ride to NJ, a long plane ride to Dublin and the finding of the hostel couch. Sick, and unable to cover it up, I flopped on the couch of my hostel to await my room. After a 5 hour nap, I tried to get ooot and abooot in Dublin... but could not walk without stopping every few minutes to steady myself. A cup of tea, a yogurt, and back to bed.

Paris. Oh Paris. Oh Jo. Sweet sweet Josselin, the stellar boyfriend and hopefully soon fiance of my sister. I stayed with him in his family's 15 arrondisement apartment. Fevers, and sleepless nights led to days in bed and yes, every one's favorite, tag along disease: tonsillitis. With difficulty swallowing, but meds in hand (thank you Jo and thank you french health care) I bumped my way to Marrakech. Few days ill, and then light on the horizon of health! YES!

Four days of good health (minus some pretty gnarly blisters... biggest I have every seen). Then again the sun set and, as Jo had warned, I had an allergic reaction to the meds for tonsillitis. Hives anyone? Mildly twisted my ankle in Fes. Hives and a limp, anyone? The meds caused other bodily imbalances, but all related affects from the meds cleared in about three days.

Clear. Clear. Clear. Healthy until NYC where the 24hr stomach bug took my time and much of the city's toilet paper. A string of sneezes and a runny-nose sidekick on the plane, and bam, here I am... healthy (yes, yes, yes I am) in AZ.

That's the first story, and that is where I stop for this post.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Limping Leper

Really I think all I can say at this point, is to stay tuned. I am not in love with this keyboard, so I think much of my writing will have to come later. I have written so much, none of it on paper or computer screen, but filling the pages of my cerebellum. From my new Moroccan brothers, to the unfathomable tanneries of Fes, to the free nights in a five star hotel, I love the stories

I limped into my huge hotel room last night in Fes, after two hours of fast moroccan french chatting and a crazy taxi ride; looked in the mirror and was glad to see that my whole body hive situation was calming down to an ))almost able to show my arms)) stage. I am a limping leper, I thought to myself. The alliteration made me think of the blog and my neglect of this glorious space in my life. And so I have come to admit further neglect, perhaps next week the stories will surface and we can all live vicariously through what will then be my past adventures in Morocco.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Meaning

Hours of tossing and turning, sweating and agonizing-as what i am sure is an asphalt demolition crew that works small shifts, coinciding with each time i swallow- has led me to this moment. The moment where I am babbling to the gods of health in a bathroom, in Paris. Wondering, asking, chatting, making offers. Prayer. I consider myself religious in my own personal, internal way. Today, i voiced my values, to one specific party. The spirits of human health, and now, I am awaiting their response. I wonder if they have a facebook page.

I woke, at 4am, after drug-induced sleep took me at 1am. I woke because of the aforementioned demo crew, and a firey wave of body heat I would have longed for in the cold desert nights. I awoke thinking this: I am going to lose my sight in Morocco. Paris, had been an idea of speaking french, eating french, drinking french and taking photos. Unable to swallow effectively (are my taxes paying that crew?) much has changed. Morocco I want to chat with my friend, and use my eyes, to take many photos and soak in the sights of another land. So, I figure my sight will soon go. Note, I being dramatic, and am very aware of that fact.

One thing does not change, even as i get better (amen, praise allah i am getting better!) that i am so thankful. Wherever I go, I am met with kindness, compassion, love and understanding. Perhaps that is the meaning in it all. This exchange. This beautiful awareness of the compassion of mankind. Gaza, bloodied and being torn apart is in my thoughts. And I am channeling this human compassion, away from my whiny sick butt, to those that need it more. We all need to be reminded of the good in humankind, despite the obvious anger. Perhaps it is a lack of sleep that brings my thoughts round and round again to those too-familiar middle east bombing scenes, perhaps I just dont know what I can do, but Ive found that there is much good, and I will do my best to act within and using that good, strengthed by all those who have helped me, in sickness and in health.

Yes, I guess, until death do us part.

I need more drugs. And yogurt.