The reality behind life is that you can never do it all, and you will always want to do more. The nice part of that realization is that you control your wishes and expectations, so, you can ebb that feeling. The reality though is, if you were raised like me, you feel the constant need to keep that feeling strong.
Not good enough. Not working hard enough. Not smart enough. Not enough. Not enough. Where did all that come from? I hear it in the back of my brain, nagging at me at 6pm at night as I sit in school, pouring over a math book, thinking through a lesson on brain cells that yawn and lag behind.
Where'd all that not enough come from? Why are high expectations synonymous with internal pummeling? Why do I have to hold the bar high and then smash myself with it when I can't reach it? (I know, that image is not possible, but you know what I mean).
Where in the world of my public education did that seed get planted? How do I get the tangle of those roots out of my brain and realize that I am capable of so much and at some point I can not do anymore. At 6pm, I need to stop and be okay with that. Oh I can stop, that is not hard, but being comfortable with that is that whole other part. Put my feet up, turn my brain off... how?
My heart is beating, even writing those words. Stop at 6? But what about stickers on paper? And laminating? Organizing? Rereading, planning, preparing? What about the endless feeling that I am not good enough for them?
How, can we encourage others, speak these wise words to others, and fail ourselves? If you were in my shoes, or slippers this moment, I would tell you to leave everything at work at 6. I would tell you that you need to take time for yourself, to work on developing your life outside of work, that it is just as important. That is what I would say. However, it seems I cannot hear it myself.
You really can never do it all, and you have to, somehow, find a way to uproot that invasive plant in your brain, and be okay with trying your best.
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